6 Ways Your Email is Like Kim Jong-Un
Yep, you read the title of this blog correctly. This time I’m going to try and convince you that your email account is like the leader of North Korea. Click bait? Perhaps. Or maybe it is just me trying to make a point in an arguably overly elaborate and provocative way. All hail the Silent Sales blog!
Every March, North Koreans celebrate “The Emptying of the Inbox”. Many women dress as urgent flags to “mark” the national festival held on Jonguary 45th
Your inbox is your “Supreme Leader”
Whilst some North Korean peasants are scraping bark off trees to feed their families, many of us in the West have different day to day concerns (ooh - a bit of satire there). What is the first thing most people do each day once they start work (or even before)? It is to check their email right? Whilst those “lucky” enough to live in Pyongyang are woken with a bizarre music in tribute to their country’s founder many of us are woken by our mobile phone alarms and it can be very tempting (and very unhealthy I’m told) to check your emails almost immediately.
From working in many industries and with many different clients I’ve always found it fascinating how some people allow their inbox to dictate the pattern of their day. The rhythm of their work doesn’t ebb and flow naturally but it is dictated (see what I did there?) by a list of electronic messages. But I ask you this - has anyone ever considered emailing the fire brigade to tell them that their house is on fire? Whilst there is an urgent flag on most email clients how many of them are literally life or death? For 99% of us, the answer is likely, never. So why is your inbox your “Supreme Leader”?
2. You love a “purge” as much as the next dictatorship
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that your Sent Items contain a VX nerve agent which you may or may not decide to use to assassinate your uncle for treachery. What I am trying to clumsily point out though is that you probably love a clean inbox (ooh matron). I’ve worked in offices where people are borderline orgasmic if they get their inbox below 10 emails. To me, a very odd measure of success - although I did once see something in Amsterdam that has left me borderline unshockable.
Now this next part comes with a warning as some readers who like an email folder might find this disturbing. I don’t have any email folders. And in addition to this, I rarely delete emails. I use a CRM and I use a Google For Business account so I genuinely see no value in either.
“But what if I need to find an email in a few months time?”. Meh - if it is important it will be in my CRM. And if it is important and not in CRM then I’ll know who it was from, some keywords from the message and I’ll find it within 4 seconds using the world’s most powerful search engine - faster than another “rocket test” off the Korean peninsula.
3. You’ve created an inbox-based gulag
This “Supreme Commander” (another of Mr Kim’s grand titles) essentially rules over how many people approach their Monday to Friday office jobs. A steady flow of electronic “gruel” is worked through in a reactive manner. An endless stream of consciousness mixed in with tasks.
It became apparent when managing several sales teams that understandably most people will cherry-pick the easier tasks as they come in. This of course ends up with an inbox full of horrible things to do, often the most important and then either you miss deadlines or have to spend an extra 4 days breaking up rock half a mile underground with no light, little food and no safety measures just to catch up. I may have possibly mixed up my comparisons along the way there.
Many North Korean office workers have to contend with unbearably cramped commuter trains like this one to hand deliver emails to customers in paper format due to reasons.
4. You’re drowning in propaganda
One of the beautiful things about working for myself is that I don’t have the insufferable burden of dealing with internal emails. An infinite conveyor belt of role justifying, arse-covering bullshit. Or in some cases, corporate spaff dished out daily, reaffirming values that are written down but not acted upon in any way.
These internal emails are EXACTLY the same as North Korea’s government owned media channels. (That’s right - exactly). But rather than you having to ensure that you never say a word against your superiors for fear of you and your family being shot by firing squad or sent to a labour camp for eternity, you have to tick a read receipt to keep your line manager happy.
5. Your inbox doesn’t ever need the toilet
This almost unbelievable ability is something Mr Kim seems to have inherited from his father, the founder of North Korea Kim Jong-Un. Mr Kim Sr managed to convince his countrymen (or at least scare them so much that they all pretend) to believe he didn’t need to pee.
I'm very keen for this 100% factual and informative blog to remain that way so in no way am I suggesting that you don’t need to use the toilet on a daily basis. But I am going to ask you this “Have you ever read, initiated or answered an email whilst on the toilet?”. If you have then your email is not like Kim Jong-Un but if you have………..well it makes you think.
Unlike homes and offices in Europe where it is a legal requirement to display pictures of Outlook 365 and Gmail, in North Korea many people choose to display pictures of the country’s leader and his father completely of their own free will
6. Your inbox has a stupid hair cut and pretends to be friends with people it used to call “dotards”
Okay I admit it, this one is just an excuse for me to mock a world leader who oversees a draconian, Orwellian, flawed philosophy based on fear, intimidation, and mind control which results in the oppression and poverty of millions of Koreans.
Whilst we get to mock his stupid hair and his bizarre relationship with other ridiculously wiggy ex world leaders, I’m glad he inspired me to write this silly little blog piece. I see email as a necessary evil, unlike Mr Kim who should be challenged more by the rest of the world. But it can be unhealthy in terms of productivity and is often seen as a primary sales and marketing tool when to me and a lot of successful sales professionals it should be a complimentary tool to the primary methods of sales activity which are phone calls and in person conversations.
If you’d be interested in speaking with me about becoming more confident making sales calls and reducing your reliance on email or even making your sales calls for you, or if you’d like to know why I have a collection of 1990s North Korean stamps then I’d welcome a chat.
Onward, onward to the final victory!
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