7 bullsh@t sales words and phrases that need to “do one” in 2021
This is a Room 101 type of blog. A grumpy old man’s take on the sales street jive that has weaselled it’s way into common parlance in the past decade or so. I’m guilty of using some of them historically and no amount of scrubbing, bleach and self-hate can change that. But perhaps a short and hopefully mildly amusing blog piece can help purge these linguistic sins from history.
“It wasn’t me”.
I’m all for plain speaking. It doesn’t need to be rude, curt or impolite. There are so many amazing words in the English language that aren’t used nearly enough such as “pamphlet” “zap” and “cribbage”. Yet many of us decide to use seven of the most appalling words and phrases that have ever graced a sales meeting and this needs calling out now before we all go to hell*.
* Note: Other made up spiritual realms of evil and suffering, often traditionally depicted as a place of perpetual fire beneath the earth where the wicked are punished after death, are available.
Solutions
The addition of the word “solutions” doesn't say anything. I once went on a corporate away day where we undertook a Bake Off type challenge and the company referred to itself as a provider of "biscuit solutions". Now I'm a big fan of biscuits but I'm not sure that they're solving complex problems and adding the word "solutions" to "Provider of biscuits" doesn't add a thing.
Over the last 15 years or so, the word "solutions" has become so over-used that it now rivals "technologies" as this century’s nothing word. Every other van, flyer, website and corporate polo shirt contains this word and is so over exposed it risks becoming the newest member of the Kardashian family.
After both Rich Tea and Custard Cream biscuits proved to be ineffective a plaster was deemed the most appropriate “solution” for this person’s “pain point”.
Consultative Selling
People have bandied around the term "consultative selling" as if it wasn't the right way of doing things from the off and convinced everyone that a "pain point" exists for every prospect or client. I call bullsh@t.
People who don’t consult with their customers aren’t sales people. If you don’t understand the customer’s situation then you’re very unlikely to add any value. There are numerous people making money from writing complete books about pain points and consultative selling. To me, this is like profiting from teaching people how to sniff. I’m not saying that people don’t need sales training and coaching but if you’re the type of person who isn’t naturally inquisitive and genuinely wants to help people then you shouldn’t even be in sales.
Synergy
Ok, I’ll admit. This one actually makes me angry. Why are we literally speaking Greek to each other? Who says that word outside of the workplace? It reminds me of a traffic cop describing a car as “a saloon vehicle”. Its a car. Say “car”. People call them cars. Here is an example in the home : -
“What would you like for dinner?”
“Well I thought that the salmon fillets had a great synergy with the bag of carrots at the bottom of the fridge and are equally synergetic with the new potatoes.”
“I’d like a divorce due to our apparent lack of synergy.”
Can we not pointlessly summarise a good sales meeting during the slightly awkward walk along the corridor by saying “I think we’ll work really well together don’t you?” rather than dropping in the “S” word? This will ensure one thing for certain and that is that their lasting impression of you once you’ve left won’t be that you’re the type of **** that says words like synergy - and that is likely to increase your sales.
Behold the “synergy” between this Ox-pecker bird and this Ox(?) who know as much about sales as people who insist on using the word “synergy”
People Buy From People
Interestingly, this phrase is only ever said by three kinds of people.
People who know nothing about sales
People who sold things in and before the 1980s and haven’t updated their approach since
Blithering idiots with nothing to say
Remember when someone in Big Brother became famous for saying “I like blinking me”? This is one of those phrases. Literally pointless. It doesn’t mean anything. Also, in some industries it isn’t true. If people loved buying certain things from people why is Jeff Bezos the richest man in the world? Assuming he isn’t undercover as the courier who drops off our Amazon deliveries then this doesn’t apply to this online model does it? And if he is “Undercover Boss” then he needs to take a look at himself because he delivers most of our parcels by leaving them on the doorstep and being back in his van by the time I open the door.
I’m not saying that technically speaking this isn’t true of a more complex or difficult sale - but some things just don’t need saying do they? You don’t have to tell your elderly aunt that she smells like cake. Everybody knows and it isn’t doing any harm. Just don’t say it, unless you want to sound like one of the three groups above.
Sales Funnel
Guess where you can stick your funnel?
Whilst sales isn’t a science, I’m certainly near the front of the (admittedly slightly weird) queue of people to champion the importance of a sales process but why does it have to be an effing funnel?
I get that you need to understand which leads and opportunities are dropping out where and why but a funnel? I work on the premise that a prospect who ends up not buying from me was never going to buy from me - it just takes longer for me to find this out in some cases, or for them to realise. I learn from it, hopefully they regret it and come back one day and we move on. Ideally it happens sooner rather than later but if my sales process is robust enough it won’t take me too much sunk cost to get to the conclusion. I don’t need a funnel to show me that, in the same way I don’t need an egg to tell me that it is hot outside.
Gavin used the term “sales funnel” so often at his desk that his “friends from work funnel” was now empty
Holistic
Remember when only homeopath-types said words like this? The type of judgey prick who is openly disgusted when they learn you’ve used disposable nappies for your first born or that your car doesn’t run off recycled hemp juice.
“Let’s take a holistic approach”.
“Tell you what - lets not”.
Sales people who aren’t selling spa treatment goods have no business using the word “holistic”. What they’re actually saying when they use the word is “I’m trying to show you that I’ve thought of everything” and the fact that that is something they’re dressing up should sound alarm bells.
If you’re saying “holistic” in a sales context with a straight face then you might be guilty of taking too much of a “holistic approach” outside of work (or perhaps not enough?!)
Sales people should always be adding value. Every. Single. Thing. They do, needs to add value or they are of no use to the prospect or customer. And part of this is considering everything in your scope. Or as we used to say, being “comprehensive”. But why use that word when you can sound like someone who has convinced themselves that joss-sticks smell nice?
ABC (Always be Closing)
Imagine being the person who not only bangs this drum but then also has the uber-tw@tty audacity to then abbreviate it. In my experience these salespeople tend to either be sales managers who never speak to customers or self-anointed “hunters” who treat sales as a game where they’re happy when they feel like they’ve won at the expense of a customer.
Actually don’t “always be closing” as the whole process of sales is (or should be) much more nuanced. This approach is similar to something I experienced in a Currys a few years ago when I was browsing at DVD players (that dates this story) and the “salesperson” approached me and their first words were “Hi, are you looking to buy today?”
ABC? More like FTIBIE (F This I’ll Buy It Elsewhere)
When Simon isn’t swearing at traffic he can be found offering sales mentoring, sales training, writing technical sales copy or conducting business outreach for his clients. He feels much better now that all of this is off his chest, so much so that he has decided the write this final paragraph in the third person and in italics.
If you’d like to talk sales without the bullsh@t then you can book a chat with Simon by pressing this button.
